


dysphoria

by 101places



Series: aos pride [7]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Trans Character, Trans Fitz, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21766033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/101places/pseuds/101places
Summary: FitzSimmons have a late-night talk.( AKA : fitz is dysphoric and simmons tries to help )
Relationships: Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons
Series: aos pride [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1381000
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	dysphoria

**Author's Note:**

> so im behind with my advent fics but then i got hit right in the 'gender is a fuck' feels and i had to write something like this. i have been meaning to write more trans fitz stuff anyway, so thats fine
> 
> cw for discussion of gender dysphoria & vague mentions of misgendering (kind of. idk if theres a better word for it). also brief mention of the framework, aida & alistair fitz
> 
> as always, kudos/comments make me grow more powerful

Fitz laid back on his side of the bed, still fully dressed. Simmons moved around the room, changing into her night clothes and then disappearing into their ensuite bathroom to brush her teeth. By the time she returned to their bedroom, Fitz was still laying on the bed exactly where he had been before she left.

Simmons stood at the foot of the bed and opened her mouth to chastise himself, initially assuming that he was just too tired to bother getting ready for bed properly - it wouldn’t be the first time that had happened - but then she hesitated. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but she felt like something was off.

So instead of criticising, she walked over and sat down next to him on her side of the bed, pulling herself around so that she was close to him.

Fitz blinked slowly and looked up at her, as if he had only just noticed she was there.

“Hi.” He said.

Simmons gave him a small smile. “Hi. Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll just… get changed.”

For a moment he didn’t move, but then he slowly got up and headed towards the bathroom. Simmons frowned.

“You don’t have to go in there to get changed, you know. I have seen it all before.”

Fitz froze up and played with his hands, keeping his back to her. “...I’d prefer to…”

That stung, but Simmons didn’t protest. She wasn’t sure what had gotten into him. “Okay.”

Simmons pulled the blankets over her and curled up, waiting for Fitz to come back. Eventually he did, and wordlessly he turned off the light and settled into his place on the bed. When he was laying down, Simmons moved automatically so her head was resting on his chest, just above his heart, her favourite place to sleep. But she could feel the way that Fitz froze up again at her movement, and it took him a few moments longer than normal to wrap his arms around her.

“Okay. What’s wrong?”

“It’s okay. Nothing’s wrong. Just… go to sleep.”

Simmons considered letting him off easy for a moment, but realised quickly that wasn’t an option. Letting things sit meant that they would never be addressed or resolved. Recent events had proved that wasn’t an effective way to deal with problems.

“Fitz. I thought we agreed to talk to one another about our problems.”

Fitz didn’t reply for a few moments, then in one of the quietest voices she had heard him use, he asked: “Do you… really see me as a man?”

The question was so unexpected that it threw Simmons for a moment. “Wh- What?”

She could feel Fitz squirm underneath her, as if everything about this conversation was causing him great discomfort.

“Can you just… answer?”

“Of course I see you as a man, Fitz. You  _ are _ a man. I’ve never seen you as anything else.” She shifted so that she could see his face as she spoke, and reached up to cup his face. “Hey, what brought this on?”

“Nothing really.” Fitz replied, his voice thick. He wasn’t meeting Simmons gaze, but he didn’t move his head away from her hand, either. “I’ve just be-been thinking about it… a lot recently.”

Simmons mind worked quickly as she tried to think of what to say to reassure him that she was telling the truth, but before she could find that magical combination of words, he continued.

“Since… since the Framework, really, I- I just- I know it’s stupid, but I- I keep thinking about the things my fa- father said.”

“What did he say, Fitz?” Simmons asked gently.

“...He called me womanly. Said I’d never be- never be a real man. Said Ophe--  _ AIDA _ would never see me as one.” He paused. “...I know it wasn’t real. And I don’t care what  _ she _ thought of me. I know it doesn’t matter. I know it’s stupid-”

“Shh.” Simmons tilted his head, and he finally looked up at her, his eyes wet. “It doesn’t matter if it was reality. It was real to you, so it isn’t stupid. But- he was wrong, Fitz. That man? He’s never known what he’s talking about, especially not when it comes to you.”

Simmons pulled back and glanced at Fitz’s shirt, then back at his face. “Can I…?”

Fitz nodded mutely, and Simmons reached forwards, pulling his shirt up and over his head, revealing his bare chest, where there were two familiar mastectomy scars. Simmons reached forwards, glancing up at Fitz every few moments to make sure that he was still comfortable with what she was doing, and traced the scars gently.

“What that man said… what your body looks like… those things are meaningless, really. You know who you are. No one can take that away from you.”

Fitz reached up and wiped at his face, brushing fresh tears away. “I don’t- I don’t really care what he thinks. But it scares me…”

Simmons looked up at his face. “What does?”

“...I’m scared that one day you’ll agree with him.”

“Oh, Fitz…” Simmons spoke quietly. “That will never happen. That’s more true to me than the first law of thermodynamics. You will always be a man to me - you will always be my husband. There is nothing in the universe that could ever change that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Simmons smiled at him. “But, you know, there’s nothing wrong with feeling insecure sometimes. You can always talk to me when you do.”

Fitz managed to return her smile, and wrapped his arms around her again, prompting her to rest her head against his chest.

“Do you feel better?”

“A bit.”

“I really do think of you as a man, Fitz. And not just any man. You are the most handsome man in the universe.”

“Really?” Fitz asked skeptically. “More handsome than Mack?”

“Yep.”

“Now I  _ know _ you’re exaggerating.”

Underneath her head, Simmons could feel Fitz’s chest rise and fall as he chuckled. Then, as the minutes dragged on, she could feel his breaths become more rhythmic as he began to fall asleep.

Simmons knew that there was nothing much that she could do about the demons in Fitz’s past, or the lies whispering around in his head, but she knew that for the rest of her life she would continue to help him fight them any time he asked. She’d do that and more for the man that she loved.


End file.
